A SPECIAL REPORT
BROUGHT TO YOU BY KEN MASTERS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY KEN MASTERS
November 03, 2008 Tragedy has befallen our city of late with five teenage deaths occurring in the past two weeks. But unlike many deaths, these were not due to murder, automobile accidents, or even excessive alcohol consumption. The truth in fact is that the fad of autoerotic asphyxiation has finally come to our community. Throughout the city, countless numbers of teenagers are choking themselves while receiving sexual pleasure from their other hand. This is leaving parents wondering just what it is that they can do to stop any kind of perverse loss happening in their family. |  |
"I don't know what to do," an anonymous mother stated. "My boy is choking two things at once! It's just too much for him to handle. I mean, he can't even dribble the basketball left handed how's he supposed to.......oh damn the internet!"
"Why do kids nowadays have to reinvent the ancient art of shucking the corn?" Don Patterson asked. "Grandpa did it the normal way; your father does it that way, so why shouldn't you huh? It's not like it can get boring!"
Some youth groups have even gone so far as to open an all ages S&M Bondage Club to protect teens from themselves. Their argument is why should you risk your child choking his or herself when a responsible adult can do it for them, in a safe and relaxed environment with the correct supervision. Of course, many parents are outraged at such an establishment opening up around their community.
"It's just not Christian." The Ericson family argues. "Why should they go out to a club full of strangers when they have a loving family waiting to help them at home?"
"Why do kids nowadays have to reinvent the ancient art of shucking the corn?" Don Patterson asked. "Grandpa did it the normal way; your father does it that way, so why shouldn't you huh? It's not like it can get boring!"
Some youth groups have even gone so far as to open an all ages S&M Bondage Club to protect teens from themselves. Their argument is why should you risk your child choking his or herself when a responsible adult can do it for them, in a safe and relaxed environment with the correct supervision. Of course, many parents are outraged at such an establishment opening up around their community.
"It's just not Christian." The Ericson family argues. "Why should they go out to a club full of strangers when they have a loving family waiting to help them at home?"
"You know I love you, right?"
Many wonder if this controversial club will add as many problems as it detracts. With the Caged Rabbit opening up March 13 only time will tell.
Written by Jason Haugh
